Heinous Makes the Cheesiest

I decided it was time for me tackle something of a grander nature.  As I become more accomplished as a cook, the excitement builds and I challenge myself to new heights of greatness.

That being said, I am presenting this amazing recipe for….Heinous Makes Mac n’ Cheese From a Box.

The first thing you do is examine your cupboard to see if you have any boxed macaroni and cheese dinners.  Take them all out of the cupboard and meditate.  The one you are supposed to cook with come to you.

Aha!  The cheesiest one selected me!

The next thing you should do is cuddle the cheese packet.  Since the cheese packet really makes the meal, getting truly familiar with it is a good idea.  Just don’t go too far.  That orange cheese powder sticks to everything.

Hug that packet!  It’s the cheesiest!

Next, get the water going and boil the noodles.  If you are too small, you can always stand on top of the tea kettle.  Just remember to keep all synthetic hair away from the flames.  Also, make sure you use a pot that is all water spotted.  It makes the noodles taste better.

 

Wheeee!  Stir away and be careful not to fall in!

While the noodles are cooking, gather together the milk and the butter.  If you don’t use real butter, you are just a cheap bastard.

Me gathering quality ingredients.

Cook the noodles until they are tender and drain them in a collander.  Pick a nice collander with a handle so you can stand on it.

It helps if you pronate your left foot.

When the noodles are drained, all the milk, butter, and contents of the sacred cheese packet into the noodles and stir over low heat.  By now, your left eye should be turning a demonic-looking silver color.

Cheese powder, the most miraculous color in the entire world.

Once everything is mixed well, spoon up some of this amazing food into a small dish.  Grab a spoon.  Keep that silver left eye fixed on trouble.

Serve promptly.

I hope you try this recipe, my friends.  It’s easy, filling, and the color is amazing.  If you don’t want to cook up the package, you can just open the cheese packet and sprinkle it over buttered crackers.

Heinous Skewers Fruit

I have been very busy with my recipe book.  Believe it or not, I don’t spend oodles of time every day figuring out ways to frighten children.  I am a culinary artist, and here is my latest example of what you can do with very little time or money.

 Famous Raisin Skewers

Gather together everything you need.  This one is easy.  You just need a small bag of trail mix that contains raisins.  It is assumed that you always keep your wee cocktail sword handy.

Kirkland trail mix is nice because it’s cheap and it has a lot of raisins.    The real M&M’s make a nice addition too.

Open the bag and pour the mix out on the table.

Doesn’ t that look festive?  Real cashews too!

Next, skewer a bunch of raisins with your wee cocktail sword.  Waggle it to get some attention.  Waggling things usually gets attention in one way or another.  Do not be shy.

Serve promptly.

This is perfect for parties or just hanging out at home watching stupid movies.

 

Heinous Hacks a Banana

Okay.  Here is the first installment of my cookbook. 

Breakfast With Heinous

This is nutritious breakfast often enjoyed by Heinous and  friends in the morning.  It’s a healthy combo of Cocoa Puffs cereal with bananas, coffee,  and orange juice.

1.  Gather the following ingredients – Cocoa Puffs, coffee in a French press, milk, orange juice, a banana, a bowl, pirate coffee cup, and a spoon.  There is no need for a juice glass.  Nobody cares if you drink it right out of the bottle.

2.  Arrange your items nicely.  Like this.

3.  Pour the Cocoa Puffs into the bowl and slice the banana carefully with a cocktail sword.  Make sure you don’t get the banana too close to certain parts of your body or you may arouse suspicion.  Keep it simple.  Slice the banana as carefully as you can.  It helps if you yell “eeeee-yah” whilst slicing.

4.  Once the banana is sliced (or in this case hacked), pour milk over the banana and the cereal.  Serve promptly.

And there you have it!  Cocoa Puffs with Hacked Bananas.  It’ s a sure-win favorite that will delight even the pickiest eater in your family.  Make sure you discard the banana peel promptly too.  Don’t give clowns any ideas.