Hey There, Heinous!

Hula Hotties Pave the Way

heinoustheclown — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 16:52:14 +0000

So things are heating up for the trip. I have polished my wee clown shoes and doled out just enough hair product to make it through the trip. The only thing missing are some wee sunglasses.

I intend to have a lot of fun on the trip. I hope Jerry takes me to a club so I can meet some exotic dancers. I have already been practicing.

I found these hula hotties the other night and man, did they wear me out! It was the first time I had ever had TWO girls (if you get my drift). And yes, that is a picture of me with my hand on a hula hottie’s grassy ass. But I have to be fair. Just like sister wives, hula hotties need a fair amount of attention. I’m not going to tell you what I did with the other one. That’s for later.

I hope we have fun at the border checks too. Those big nasty border patrol guys are always surprised to see me seat belted in the back seat. Instead of staring, they should be grateful that I am obeying the damn law!

Heinous Plans to Pack

heinoustheclown — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 15:26:43 +0000

I can see that some people still make fun of me no matter what I do. I wasn’t kidding about living with my relatives in Omaha. In fact, I am going to the Salvation Army store today to seek out a wee travel bag for myself. When nobody is looking, I am going to get online and book a ticket. I will leave as soon as possible.

Except…..I don’t want to miss the geocaching adventure tomorrow. On second thought, this can wait a week.

Clown Family in Omaha

heinoustheclown — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 00:28:10 +0000

I am trying to keep my head on straight about something, but certain people in this world are determined to paint me as evil and mean-spirited. I cannot help the fact that I have orange synthetic hair and my eyes don’t blink. I didn’t ask to be born! If you continue to bash me like this, I will most definitely go to Omaha and live my clown relatives there.

They all work in a church and they love God.

Back in the Saddle

heinoustheclown — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 05:35:04 +0000

I’m back in the saddle. Just so you know.

I am going geocaching on Saturday. I might become famous. That should be enough to make you cry if you have ever done anything mean to me.

Heinous Stomps Crumbs

heinoustheclown — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 23:13:01 +0000

This is Sir Heinous the Vanquisher! Huzzah! I am standing atop Poolagirl’s horrendous baking mishap. I am stomping it into the ground! I am turning it to mere crumbs!

This is a fine example of what NOT to include in my recipe book. What a freakin’ disaster! But I had better not say too much about it or she won’t take me along to Bisbee. I know the clown shoes are going along. It will be their third trip to Arizona, but who’s counting?

Me! That’s who!

Heinous Makes the Cheesiest

heinoustheclown — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:38:09 +0000

I decided it was time for me tackle something of a grander nature. As I become more accomplished as a cook, the excitement builds and I challenge myself to new heights of greatness.

That being said, I am presenting this amazing recipe for….Heinous Makes Mac n’ Cheese From a Box.

The first thing you do is examine your cupboard to see if you have any boxed macaroni and cheese dinners. Take them all out of the cupboard and meditate. The one you are supposed to cook with come to you.

Aha! The cheesiest one selected me!

The next thing you should do is cuddle the cheese packet. Since the cheese packet really makes the meal, getting truly familiar with it is a good idea. Just don’t go too far. That orange cheese powder sticks to everything.

Hug that packet! It’s the cheesiest!

Next, get the water going and boil the noodles. If you are too small, you can always stand on top of the tea kettle. Just remember to keep all synthetic hair away from the flames. Also, make sure you use a pot that is all water spotted. It makes the noodles taste better.

Wheeee! Stir away and be careful not to fall in!

While the noodles are cooking, gather together the milk and the butter. If you don’t use real butter, you are just a cheap bastard.

Me gathering quality ingredients.

Cook the noodles until they are tender and drain them in a collander. Pick a nice collander with a handle so you can stand on it.

It helps if you pronate your left foot.

When the noodles are drained, all the milk, butter, and contents of the sacred cheese packet into the noodles and stir over low heat. By now, your left eye should be turning a demonic-looking silver color.

Cheese powder, the most miraculous color in the entire world.

Once everything is mixed well, spoon up some of this amazing food into a small dish. Grab a spoon. Keep that silver left eye fixed on trouble.

Serve promptly.

I hope you try this recipe, my friends. It’s easy, filling, and the color is amazing. If you don’t want to cook up the package, you can just open the cheese packet and sprinkle it over buttered crackers.

Heinous Skewers Fruit

heinoustheclown — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 20:20:39 +0000

I have been very busy with my recipe book. Believe it or not, I don’t spend oodles of time every day figuring out ways to frighten children. I am a culinary artist, and here is my latest example of what you can do with very little time or money.

Famous Raisin Skewers

Gather together everything you need. This one is easy. You just need a small bag of trail mix that contains raisins. It is assumed that you always keep your wee cocktail sword handy.

Kirkland trail mix is nice because it’s cheap and it has a lot of raisins. The real M&M’s make a nice addition too.

Open the bag and pour the mix out on the table.

Doesn’ t that look festive? Real cashews too!

Next, skewer a bunch of raisins with your wee cocktail sword. Waggle it to get some attention. Waggling things usually gets attention in one way or another. Do not be shy.

Serve promptly.

This is perfect for parties or just hanging out at home watching stupid movies.

Heinous Hacks a Banana

heinoustheclown — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 04:27:16 +0000

Okay. Here is the first installment of my cookbook.

Breakfast With Heinous

This is nutritious breakfast often enjoyed by Heinous and friends in the morning. It’s a healthy combo of Cocoa Puffs cereal with bananas, coffee, and orange juice.

1. Gather the following ingredients – Cocoa Puffs, coffee in a French press, milk, orange juice, a banana, a bowl, pirate coffee cup, and a spoon. There is no need for a juice glass. Nobody cares if you drink it right out of the bottle.

2. Arrange your items nicely. Like this.

3. Pour the Cocoa Puffs into the bowl and slice the banana carefully with a cocktail sword. Make sure you don’t get the banana too close to certain parts of your body or you may arouse suspicion. Keep it simple. Slice the banana as carefully as you can. It helps if you yell “eeeee-yah” whilst slicing.

4. Once the banana is sliced (or in this case hacked), pour milk over the banana and the cereal. Serve promptly.

And there you have it! Cocoa Puffs with Hacked Bananas. It’ s a sure-win favorite that will delight even the pickiest eater in your family. Make sure you discard the banana peel promptly too. Don’t give clowns any ideas.

Heinous Hatches a Plan

heinoustheclown — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 00:48:09 +0000

Since I am a master chef, I am starting a cookbook project. Don’t send me any recipes or anything. I am going to write this cookbook all by myself.

Clowns love to eat. We like to cook too. We enjoy the finer things in life.

My famous Uncle Emmet takes a coffee break

It will be put on this journal in installments. You will be amazed at what I can do. If you think it’s cute enough after you read my recipes, I might consider having it published.

That is all.

For now. Here is a photo of me preparing tomatoes and buffalo mozzarella. I’m a wee bit scared of this recipe because I’m not sure if my cocktail sword is big enough to stab a buffalo. I’ve got the tomatoes down well. But that buffalo……

Heinous “Kills” a Tomato

heinoustheclown — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 04:53:30 +0000

This is me killing a tomato!

It was a totally awesome experience! I ran it through just like a wee clown pirate! Yarrrrr! The tomato was really good. Tomorrow, I think I am going to run through an azalea or maybe a hydrangea. I am too skeered of getting close to those rosebushes!