Heinous Prepares For Canada

My mom has been too busy to help me write stuff here for awhile.  Actually, I have a new job at the house.  I guard her Patron tequila.  She has like….three bottles!  I never get to taste it.  It my job to thwart people who might want to steal it.  I must admit I do look fierce with my cocktail sword in hand, ready to pounce on those who have designs on that stuff.

We have a new addition to our family.  Her name is Violet and she is a sock monkey.  I guess I am supposed to love her because she is a distant relative.  I sort of love her, but her sock monkey lips really scare me.


Violet joins the tribe

Doesn’t it look like she is trying to lean over and kiss me?  Millicent the Coconut is acting all aloof too.  She was my REAL girlfriend until she went off and had a fling with that macramé owl.   I know we all have to get along so I am acting like I really don’t care.  But I do.  I have a soft heart.

I am going to Canada next week with my mom!  She is taking me to visit Amy and Kelly in London, Ontario!  Amy hates me for some reason.  I hope she doesn’t give me to the dog or stick me in the garbage disposal.  Last year when we went to Vegas, Amy and Kelly found me some cool hooker babe cards – you know the cards they snap at you when you walk down the Strip?  I had a lot of fun smoking cigarettes, drinking rum, and smooshing myself all over those pictures.  For those of you who don’t know, we clowns don’t really have working bits under our funny clown pants.  We have to rely a lot on our imaginations or what we have seen on HBO.

Now that you mention it, I am probably a eunuch.  Well, maybe not.  Eunuchs are born with bits and then they lose them.  I never had bits in the first place.  I think that makes me better than a eunuch.  More spiritual.

Mom is taking me to the production meeting at the theatre tomorrow night too.  We are having it at Denny’s.  One of mom’s friends is going to eat a really nasty sandwich that tops out at 895 calories.  My mom tried to eat that once and was sick all night.  Cheese sticks INSIDE a grilled cheese sandwich.  With French fries!  Or maybe you can substitute fruit if you want to be healthy.  Anyway, it should be fun.

bad cheese

If that doesn’t yum you up, I don’t know what will.

Part of the appeal is the color of that cheese.  It’s cosmic!

I have to go now.  Before mom realizes I have been messing on the computer.



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Hula Hotties Pave the Way

So things are heating up for the trip.  I have polished my wee clown shoes and doled out just enough hair product to make it through the trip.  The only thing missing are some wee sunglasses.

I intend to have a lot of fun on the trip.  I hope Jerry takes me to a club so I can meet some exotic dancers.  I have already been practicing.

I found these hula hotties the other night and man, did they wear me out!  It was the first time I had ever had TWO girls (if you get my drift).  And yes, that is a picture of me with my hand on a hula hottie’s grassy ass.   But I have to be fair.  Just like sister wives, hula hotties need a fair amount of attention.  I’m not going to tell you what I did with the other one.  That’s for later.

I hope we have fun at the border checks too.  Those big nasty border patrol guys are always surprised to see me seat belted in the back seat.  Instead of staring, they should be grateful that I am obeying the damn law!


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Heinous Plans to Pack

I can see that some people still make fun of me no matter what I do.  I wasn’t kidding about living with my relatives in Omaha.  In fact, I am going to the Salvation Army store today to seek out a wee travel bag for myself.  When nobody is looking, I am going to get online and book a ticket.  I will leave as soon as possible.

Except…..I don’t want to miss the geocaching adventure tomorrow.  On second thought, this can wait a week.


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Clown Family in Omaha

I am trying to keep my head on straight about something, but certain people in this world are determined to paint me as evil and mean-spirited.  I cannot help the fact that I have orange synthetic hair and my eyes don’t blink.  I didn’t ask to be born!   If you continue to bash me like this, I will most definitely go to Omaha and live my clown relatives there. 

 They all work in a church and they love God.


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Back in the Saddle

I’m back in the saddle.  Just so you know.

I am going geocaching on Saturday.  I might become famous.  That should be enough to make you cry if you have ever done anything mean to me.

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Heinous Stomps Crumbs

This is Sir Heinous the Vanquisher!  Huzzah!  I am standing atop Poolagirl’s horrendous baking mishap.  I am stomping it into the ground!  I am turning it to mere crumbs!

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This is a fine example of what NOT to include in my recipe book.   What a freakin’ disaster!  But I had better not say too much about it or she won’t take me along to Bisbee.  I know the clown shoes are going along.   It will be their third trip to Arizona, but who’s counting?

Me!  That’s who!


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Heinous Makes the Cheesiest

I decided it was time for me tackle something of a grander nature.  As I become more accomplished as a cook, the excitement builds and I challenge myself to new heights of greatness.

That being said, I am presenting this amazing recipe for….Heinous Makes Mac n’ Cheese From a Box.

The first thing you do is examine your cupboard to see if you have any boxed macaroni and cheese dinners.  Take them all out of the cupboard and meditate.  The one you are supposed to cook with come to you.

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Aha!  The cheesiest one selected me!

The next thing you should do is cuddle the cheese packet.  Since the cheese packet really makes the meal, getting truly familiar with it is a good idea.  Just don’t go too far.  That orange cheese powder sticks to everything.

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Hug that packet!  It’s the cheesiest!

Next, get the water going and boil the noodles.  If you are too small, you can always stand on top of the tea kettle.  Just remember to keep all synthetic hair away from the flames.  Also, make sure you use a pot that is all water spotted.  It makes the noodles taste better.


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Wheeee!  Stir away and be careful not to fall in!

While the noodles are cooking, gather together the milk and the butter.  If you don’t use real butter, you are just a cheap bastard.

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Me gathering quality ingredients.

Cook the noodles until they are tender and drain them in a collander.  Pick a nice collander with a handle so you can stand on it.

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It helps if you pronate your left foot.

When the noodles are drained, all the milk, butter, and contents of the sacred cheese packet into the noodles and stir over low heat.  By now, your left eye should be turning a demonic-looking silver color.

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Cheese powder, the most miraculous color in the entire world.

Once everything is mixed well, spoon up some of this amazing food into a small dish.  Grab a spoon.  Keep that silver left eye fixed on trouble.

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Serve promptly.

I hope you try this recipe, my friends.  It’s easy, filling, and the color is amazing.  If you don’t want to cook up the package, you can just open the cheese packet and sprinkle it over buttered crackers.


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